


wash me out like a wine stain

by sunglaze



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Best Friends Huening Kai & Kang Taehyun, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Lots of Crying, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up, Roommates, Slow Burn, Taebin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27958493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunglaze/pseuds/sunglaze
Summary: It takes a while for Taehyun to move on from Soobin, but when he meets him again, months of effort to forget Soobin comes crashing down like a thunderstorm, and lightning hits him harsher than before.(Or, Taehyun and Soobin go through a break up. Do they get back together? Hopefully.)
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun (Brief), Choi Soobin/Ji Changmin (Brief), Choi Soobin/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71





	wash me out like a wine stain

**Author's Note:**

> hello! so i kept thinking of a taebin fic inspired by clean by taylor swift and i ended up writing this in 2 days (it’s also based on 2 more taylor songs but u will figure that out at the end)
> 
> listen to the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7fZDgNbq1Ta7yuInt0cvdX?si=RNBk80PCRUC8LD1J4cPDrQ) i made while writing this!  
> (after writing this i ended up with 500 scrobbles from taylor swift on last.fm)
> 
> big thanks to iya (@taejunz on twt) and denim (@lgbtyun on twt) for listening to me babble abt the writing process and helping me figure out the flow of the story!
> 
> this is for every moa who went thru a terrible break up *pats back* listen to taylor swift it helps a lot
> 
> enjoy reading!

High school sweethearts never last, do they?

You fall in love at the ripe age of sixteen and think that this person is your whole world, that things will remain as is for as long as it could. But most of the time, these kinds of things never turn out the way we want it to.

Every couple wants to believe that they’re different from everyone else. They want to believe that they’ll make it, but the truth is, love is fleeting. Just like how a simple tub of ice cream can lift your mood, love can get drained out of your system with a single flip of a switch.

Taehyun believed that he and Soobin were different. In fact, all their friends did so too. With Soobin being the student council president and Taehyun being top 1 of his year, they were a perfect match in everyone’s eyes. They barely fought since they saw everything eye to eye. Everyone in the campus saw them as a model couple.

That’s why no one believed it when the news came that the two broke up. It was unexpected – they never had any big arguments, and when they did, that’s when their downfall came.

Perhaps it was because Taehyun and Soobin wanted everything to be so perfect that they avoided any sort of conflict. Perhaps that’s why when they sat down to disagree one day, it was as if all the gates of a dam were opened and all the feelings and resentment came rushing out as fast as water could. The things that Taehyun thought were okay to Soobin apparently weren’t okay, and the words that Soobin meant lightly didn’t come off like that to Taehyun.

They were too comfortable with letting those things pass because they assumed that they never felt deeply about it, but apparently, they did.

Their break-up was a terrible storm that passed by in a single. The harsh winds and the cold rain displaced everything they had all at once, and come morning, nothing was the same for them anymore.

That morning, Taehyun cried out in his room. He never thought that he would experience that much physical pain just by his emotions. His heart ached literally – as if someone was pulling apart the string of his heart and twisting everything all around until his heart felt uncomfortable in his own chest.

When Kai called him that morning to ask why he wasn’t in class, he couldn’t help but break down at the sound of his best friend’s voice. It was so comforting to hear something so familiar, something so heartwarming, and for a moment, he felt like his throat was freed from whatever was holding it in a choke.

Kai panicked and asked him what was happening, but Taehyun could only sob louder into his phone. That prompted Kai to skip his chemistry class and rush to Taehyun’s house. He had greeted Taehyun’s mom (who assumed that his son was already in school) and made a rushed excuse that they didn’t have classes that day. Taehyun’s mom could only nod in confusion when she saw Kai in their school uniform.

Upon entering his room, Kai was met with the sight of a big lump covered in a thick blanket on Taehyun’s bed. The lump was obviously Taehyun, and even with the layers of the blanket, Kai could see how bad Taehyun was shaking. He approached the bed slowly and carefully peeled off the blanket, revealing Taehyun whose cheeks were streaked with tears and hair a mess atop his head.

Kai’s heart ached at the sight of his best friend like that, and so, he did everything he could to make him feel at least a little bit lighter.

That day, they skipped all their classes together. When Soobin came to find Taehyun in his last period, none of his classmates could answer the student council president’s questions about Taehyun’s whereabouts.

In the afternoon, the rain started pouring unexpectedly as Soobin was walking to Taehyun’s house. He didn’t have an umbrella on him, but he couldn’t just let his chance to talk to Taehyun again be blocked away just because of the rain. And so, he walked the whole kilometer to Taehyun’s house under the rain. When he got there, Taehyun’s mom greeted him with a sullen look on her face, telling him that Taehyun wasn’t at home. Soobin took that as a sign that Taehyun didn’t want to talk to him, so he went home with heavy feet but with a hopeful heart that he’ll get to fix everything the next day.

Only that night, he was met with a message from Taehyun.

_taehyunie_ _♡_

_9:43PM_

_please don’t contact me anymore._

And with those five words, everything came crashing down for Soobin once again, like a heavy cloud that had been carrying rain for too long. Or perhaps, it was the remnants of the last storm that had swept over the two of them just the day before. Soobin couldn’t do anything but respect Taehyun’s wishes.

That was a month ago, and now it’s the 5th of December. It’s 11:53pm, only a few minutes left of the day. Taehyun lies on his bed facing the ceiling with his phone in his hand. It’s Soobin’s birthday. He wonders if it’s right for him to greet him after everything else. He wonders if Soobin still wants to receive a greeting from his ex who kicked him out of his life with just a few words.

Sometimes, Taehyun regrets sending that message. That night, he was so overwhelmed with his emotions that he was desperate to make a change to get all of his feelings out. But at the same time, he thinks that maybe it was for the better that they ended it all there. When two people are too similar, it never ends in good terms. That’s why people say that _opposites attract_ , don’t they? If two people never face any conflicts in their relationship, then what is there for them to fight for? It’s easy to get tired. It’s easy to think that their love wasn’t that whole after all.

  
Taehyun wonders if they ever loved each other. It used to be so clear for him; he loved Soobin with his entire heart, and Soobin loved him just the same, or maybe even more. But now, he’s not too sure about it. Was anything ever genuine between the two of them?

He checks his phone for the time. Six minutes have passed, and it’s 11:59pm. A minute until Soobin’s birthday ends. A minute for Taehyun to change his mind and take those five words back. A minute for him to see if there’s still a small probability for another chance.

But a minute isn’t enough for him to turn _that_ day around. A minute doesn’t make him desperate enough to shamefully ask for the presence of Soobin in his life again. He isn’t even sure if Soobin would be glad to see a message from him.

He stares at his screen until the numbers change to 00:00. The text below the number shows _Sunday, December 6._ Soobin’s birthday ends there, and so do his chances to grasp the possibility of a chance. Taehyun lets his phone fall from his hands and onto his bed. He tries to ignore the thoughts roaming around his mind to get some sleep.

On the night of February 5th, Taehyun is in the washroom to take a break from the small party he threw with his friends when he receives a notification on his phone. He quickly dries up his hands with a towel and checks his screen.

He feels his heart drop all of a sudden, like he’s free falling after jumping from a tall height.

On his screen is a text from a number that’s all too familiar. He deleted the contact already, but of course, he still knows those digits by heart. Damn him for being good with numbers and having an excellent long-term memory. Maybe it wasn’t such a great thing after all.

_+82 ** **** ****_

_10:49PM_

_happy birthday, taehyun-ah. i hope you’re doing well._

That single line on his screen suddenly makes him want to backtrack several weeks into his life and approach things differently. But he’s no supernatural being who can do anything of the sort, and he can only do so much and accept what he’s fated himself to.

He wills himself to not reply, but his fingers move before he can properly think.

_thank you. i’m doing great. sorry it’s late, but happy birthday too._

The moment he presses send, he instantly regrets it. Who the hell greets someone for their birthday not one, but _two_ months late?

In his embarrassment, he doesn’t bother to wait for Soobin’s reply. He pockets his phone and returns to the party that makes him forget what happened in the small space of that bathroom.

The third week of February rolls around, and Soobin’s graduation day is approaching fast.

Yeonjun, Taehyun’s common friend with Soobin, invites him to their graduation ceremony. Yeonjun is one of Soobin’s closest friends, and with Taehyun hanging out around a lot with them even before he and Soobin started dating, he became close with the senior too. They never really hung out together without Soobin, but somehow, they still formed a good and solid relationship outside of their common connection with him.

So, Taehyun couldn’t really turn down Yeonjun’s invitation. He knows he’ll see Soobin, and he’ll probably might have to interact with him, but Yeonjun is a good friend to him. Just because he’s not talking to Soobin anymore, it doesn’t mean that he has to drop anyone whom he met through him.

(Maybe he wants to be annoyed at Yeonjun for inviting him without considering the fact that the two ex-boyfriends would be together at one place, but he hates himself for even considering that thought. Yeonjun is a great person and he knows that he wouldn’t have any bad intentions. He should be grateful that the senior even extended an invitation to him, Taehyun thinks. It’s the bitter aftertaste of a break up that’s making him feel all sorts of inconsiderable things – like the chase of bitterness down your throat after taking a sip of wine.)

Taehyun attends the ceremony with Kai. He attends for Yeonjun and all his other senior friends. He watches them go up the stage one by one. It’s a bitter goodbye – graduating from high school and gradually losing contact with a lot of your friends. (Taehyun hopes that doesn’t happen.)

When it’s Soobin’s turn, Taehyun looks at him grab his diploma and stand in the middle of the stage. For some reason, he wants that to be his last memory of him, not the image of Soobin with a frustrated look on his face as they argue in his apartment. Taehyun wants to paint a different image of his mind and distort their ending – maybe that way, it won’t be as hard to forget everything.

As Taehyun watches him, Soobin’s sight moves to his direction, and for a brief moment, there’s a look of surprise on his face. Maybe Taehyun’s just imagining it, but their eyes might have met. But how could Soobin spot him in such a big crowd?

(Taehyun notices Kai looking at him from the side. He only wishes that his eyes aren’t showing the emotions that he’s feeling right now.)

The ceremony ends (thankfully so – time was starting to drag on) and Taehyun meets his senior friends with Kai. He cracks a few jokes around them so the goodbyes won’t feel so gloomy. While he’s speaking to some of his friends from the debate club, he sees Yeonjun approach him in the corner of his eye.

Apparently, Yeonjun isn’t as inconsiderate as Taehyun thought. He doesn’t bring Soobin with him – in fact, he’s nowhere in sight. Now Taehyun feels bad for initially wanting to get mad at Yeonjun.

“Taehyun, Hyuka!” Yeonjun greets them with a smile on his face.

“Hyung,” Taehyun greets him with the same energy, matching the smile on the other’s face, “It’s great to see you.

“Finally getting out of this hell hole after years.” Kai comments.

Yeonjun laughs, “That’ll be the both of you soon enough.”

“Not until another year,” Taehyun shakes his head.

Maybe Kai notices how tense Taehyun is, thinking that perhaps Yeonjun might bring up things that he doesn’t want to hear about. He puts his arm over Taehyun’s shoulder and the boy visibly relaxes.

They chat for a while, going back to all the years they spent together and talking about Yeonjun’s plans after high school. They take some pictures too, as per Yeonjun’s request.

Not once does Yeonjun mention Soobin’s name, and Taehyun’s grateful for that.

Once all pictures have been taken and all throwback stories have been exhausted, Taehyun and Kai decide to head home together.

They exit the gym, and they’re met with the sight of Soobin speaking to another senior. The sound of the doors slamming back into place interrupts them, making them look into Taehyun and Kai’s direction.

Taehyun briefly meets Soobin’s eyes, but he quickly averts his sight. Kai glances at him with panic in his eyes.

“Can you give me a moment?” They hear Soobin mutter to the senior he was talking to.

Soobin takes a step towards them with hesitation clear in the way his shoulders are hunched. Taehyun feels his throat close up as Soobin gets closer to them. He’s only a few feet from them and Taehyun thinks that he might lose his mind if he takes another step.

“Don’t.”

Soobin stops in his tracks. Taehyun looks him in the eyes, and there’s something so cold and distant in his expression.

“Please don’t.”

Before Soobin can say anything else, Taehyun takes Kai’s arm and drags him to the left hallway, away from his ex. He continues walking until they’re finally out of the building. Taehyun drops Kai’s arm and leans against the dirty wall.

Kai asks, “Don’t you wanna talk to him?”

“I don’t want to,” Taehyun answers, “Or at least, I can’t. I already cut him off.”

Taehyun sighs, he catches his breath like he’s ran a mile, but the truth is, the sight of Soobin made his heart thump too fast for his own well-being.

“Isn’t it better to talk it out with him instead of dropping him like that?”

Taehyun gives Kai a look, “Hyuka, I really don’t want to talk about that right now. Let’s just go get dinner.”

Kai frowns and opens his mouth to say something more, but Taehyun cuts him off.

“Please. I’m already tired.”

Kai can’t do anything else but nod in agreement and follow Taehyun to wherever he wants to eat.

March comes and Taehyun is finally in his last year of high school. He goes through it like a breeze, but for most of the months, it’s like he’s doing everything on autopilot. It must be the fact that he’s already in his senior year, and he can’t be bothered to give his best to everything.

(But it might also be the fact that there’s a certain presence missing this year – something he’s been so, so used to for the past years, that everything feels so empty now. There must be something wrong with Taehyun.)

Or perhaps Taehyun is completely fine because when their finals results come out in July, he still comes as first among all the students in his year. Maybe everyone feels the exact same thing since they’re all seniors sharing the same sentiments.

Still, Taehyun can’t shake off that feeling of incompleteness. He might have an answer as to what’s lacking in his life, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge his thoughts. Some things are better left unsaid.

There’s a boy in Taehyun’s class – his name is Choi Beomgyu. He’s been hanging out around Taehyun lately, and he thinks that Beomgyu is cool. He’s nice, he’s got a good sense of fashion, he composes music, and he’s funny.

Beomgyu soon fits himself into Taehyun and Kai’s circle. Taehyun has always known him because they shared a couple of classes, but the difference in their circle of friends never allowed them to meet each other. In their last year, however, Beomgyu just started to _fit._

Beomgyu feels familiar, but at the same time, he’s also so unfamiliar to Taehyun. When Beomgyu hugs him, his shoulders feel a bit too low in Taehyun’s arms. When Beomgyu plays the guitar for Taehyun, it makes the fire in his chest burn, but then there’s rain coming out of nowhere that puts out the fire, leaving his heart in black smoke.

One day, after they’ve just finished their midterms, all three of them are hanging out at Taehyun’s house. Beomgyu is playing his guitar on Taehyun’s bed while Kai scribbles down random lyrics on the notebook spread out in front of him.

Taehyun watches them compose nonsensical songs that somehow still makes him laugh when they sing it for him.

While they’re all laughing together, Beomgyu gets a call from his mother, telling him to get home since it’s already getting late. Beomgyu, with a sulky look on his face, packs up his guitar and shoulders the straps of the case.

Taehyun offers to walk him outside, and Beomgyu gleefully agrees. He looks at Kai expectantly, but his best friend is already settled on the bed and playing a game on his phone.

So, Taehyun leads Beomgyu down the stairs and out of the door. He waits for Beomgyu to properly put on his shoes.

“Taehyun,” Beomgyu says once he’s done.

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to ask,” Beomgyu looks down shyly before bringing his eyes up again to meet Taehyun’s. “Do you want to go out with me?”

There’s a look of surprise on Taehyun’s face.

“As in, go _out_ out?”

Beomgyu laughs, “Yeah. Is it okay?”

A thousand thoughts run through Taehyun’s mind all at once. Does he want to date Beomgyu? Does he see Beomgyu as someone possibly more than a friend? Is he ready to give his heart to someone else?

(Well, Taehyun thinks, it’s not like there’s anyone else to save it for.)

But Choi Beomgyu is sweet and he’s one of the nicest guys that Taehyun has met. He smiles with purity shining through, and he laughs with a genuine heart.

Does Taehyun want to take such a risk with someone as good and as pure as Choi Beomgyu? Why is he overthinking this anyways?

If Beomgyu is willing, then Taehyun will try.

Taehyun wants to try.

“Okay.” Taehyun answers, and Beomgyu exhales like he’s been holding his breath for the past five minutes. And suddenly, there’s a gigantic smile on the boy’s face like he had just successfully picked something from a claw machine after a hundred unsuccessful tries.

It pains Taehyun to see Beomgyu so happy when he himself is still so unsure of everything.

They go on a couple dates and Beomgyu is over the moon each time. Taehyun is happy, of course. Beomgyu goes out of his way several times for Taehyun. He treats him so, so well that Taehyun feels incredibly guilty.

Taehyun thinks that he doesn’t deserve Beomgyu’s love – not when he’s still hung up on someone else.

Taehyun is a firm believer that love only works when everything is balanced. It won’t end well if the love that people feel for one another isn’t the same. So, he plans to end everything with Beomgyu before anything gets too serious.

He’s hanging with Beomgyu alone in the music room when he does. It’s their break time, and Beomgyu asked Taehyun to accompany him while he practices playing the piano. The piece that Beomgyu plays comes out beautifully – the sweet melody echoes throughout the almost empty room and fills Taehyun’s ears.

Taehyun hopes that Beomgyu will forgive him for whatever he’s about to do.

“Beomgyu,”

The boy continues playing as he answers, “Mhm?”

The notes continue to ring through astoundingly as Beomgyu presses the keys, but the more he plays, the more it starts to suffocate Taehyun.

“Can we end this?”

“The song?” Beomgyu says so innocently that it makes Taehyun feel evil for doing this to him.

“No – this. Us. Let’s end it here.”

Beomgyu stops playing and turns around to face Taehyun. There’s hurt clear in his eyes. Of course, there is.

“Why?”

“I like you, Beomgyu. A lot. But you know well that it’s not the same as how you feel for me.”

Beomgyu looks down at his lap, at his calloused fingers due to playing different instruments.

“I know that,” Beomgyu looks at Taehyun through his lashes, “But what’s so wrong with that? It never bothered me.”

“It doesn’t bother you that I don’t like you as much as you do?”

“No. I know you like me, and that’s enough for me.”

Taehyun feels frustration locking up around his throat.

“Doesn’t it bother you that I like you, yet I’m still thinking about someone else?”

“No,” The lie is clear in Beomgyu’s voice, and Taehyun looks at him with disbelief.

Beomgyu sighs, “Okay, fine. It _does_ bother me, but I’m more focused on the fact that despite that, you still like me back. It’s okay if you don’t give me everything, but I want to do it for you. Because I like you. Can’t we just keep it that way?”

Taehyun feels tears pricking at his eyes, and he feels his heart crawl up his throat, choking him until he’s feeling dizzy.

“Don’t you understand, Beomgyu? It might be okay for you, but it hurts me. I don’t want to treat you like this. I like you, and I want to give you _so, so_ much because you deserve it, but I can’t. You know the reason why.”

Beomgyu smiles, but it’s bittersweet, like he’s already surrendering.

“I thought I could help you move on from Soobin-hyung. But it’s fine – I understand.”

Taehyun feels more lightheaded at the mention of his name.

“Don’t worry about me, Taehyun-ah. I’ll be fine, because I already considered that this might happen when I asked you out. I hope you’ll be fine too.”

And with that, Beomgyu stands up and leaves the music room.

Taehyun is alone once again.

He, too, thought that maybe Beomgyu could help him move on from Soobin. That is what’s so wrong with it – Beomgyu was so kind to him, but Taehyun feels that he only used him for his own selfish desires. He couldn’t move on by himself, so he took the chance with Beomgyu just to try and see if he could forget the way Soobin fits in his arms and replace it with the memory of Beomgyu. If he could forget how Soobin’s shirts smell and replace it with the memory of Beomgyu’s cologne.

Taehyun feels guilty for using Beomgyu like that. He hates himself for doing that. He hates himself for agreeing to go out with Beomgyu, knowing full well that he would be thinking about Soobin the whole time.

The guilt was eating him alive. At least now, everything was put to an end. Now, he just has to deal with another heartbreak, but in a different form.

It’s all so painful, and Taehyun is feeling _so_ much emotions that he feels like he might break, just like a ceramic doll.

Tears rush out faster than Taehyun can breathe. He attempts to muffle his sobs with his sleeve, but it makes him choke up. He crouches down until he’s leaning on the side of the piano, and he hugs his knees to his chest.

He feels guilty, but at least he didn’t let his relationship with Beomgyu drag on. At least he’s being honest with himself now – that he’s not yet ready, because Soobin’s presence is still _there_ even if he’s miles and miles away.

On the 5th of December, Taehyun finds himself in the same exact position he was in a year ago. It’s nearing 12AM, and he only has a few minutes left to greet Soobin. But Taehyun only lets the minutes fly by until it’s already past 12 and it’s the 6th of December.

(Exactly two months later, he doesn’t get a greeting from Soobin either.)

The last half of his senior year ends just like that, and before he knows it, Taehyun has an acceptance letter from his dream university right in his hands.

The month before Taehyun enters college, he unexpectedly meets Yeonjun at their old school when he’s collecting his documents. Taehyun sees him at the end of the hallway – the cotton candy pink hair is quite hard to miss. With the distance, it takes a moment for Taehyun to recognize him, and when he does, he waves him over excitedly.

“Yeonjun-hyung!” The male looks up from the folder that he was holding, and his face lights up at the sight of Taehyun.

“Taehyun-ah!” He jogs over to Taehyun and greets him with a warm hug, “What are you doing here?”

“What are _you_ doing here?” Taehyun laughs as he pulls away from the hug, “Isn’t your uni miles away?”

“I was visiting some old teachers, and I needed a few documents."

“Same with me,”

Yeonjun takes a moment to observe Taehyun, “I think you grew taller, Taehyun-ah.”

“Stop lying!” Taehyun glares at him playfully, “But your hair looks cool, hyung.”

“Right? I had Soobin dye it for me. I think he did pretty well.” At the realization that Yeonjun mentioned Soobin’s name, the look on his face changes into a mortified one.

Yeonjun stumbles over his words, “Oh- Sorry, Tyun-ah,”

“It’s okay,” Taehyun smiles, “You can mention him. It’s been more than a year – it’s fine.”

Yeonjun almost sighs in relief. “How about we get lunch and catch up for the past year?”

Taehyun easily agrees.

They find themselves at a café near their school, one that every student studying there has visited. The walls of the cafe are colored mahogany brown, and the interior is decorated with plants. The food in front of them are excellent too, but it doesn’t cost much. For a place with such service, it was already a good deal for any high school student. Or, a high school graduate and a college student in this case.

Taehyun discovers that Yeonjun is attending the same university that he’s enrolled himself to. It gives him a sense of comfort. It’s a completely new start, but at least there will be something familiar to him.

“So, is uni and everything else all settled?” Yeonjun asks.

“Yeah, actually. I’m moving into the dorms in a couple weeks.”

“Oooh, you’re dorming too? Good luck with whoever your roommate will be. Some aren’t always so lucky.”

Taehyun laughs, “Why, are you not lucky?”

“I was lucky,” Yeonjun swallows his food before continuing, “But I know a lot of people who aren’t. I have a friend who’s roommates with someone whose socks smell like _hell_. And he airs them out near the aircon. It’s terrible – I visited once and never came back.”

Taehyun grimaces. He takes a big sip of water. “Hopefully I don’t end up with a weirdo. Can’t you just request for a specific roommate? Hyuka and I wanted to be roommates, but we can’t afford an apartment.”

“I hate to disappoint you, but no. The board is strict with that. You just hope that all will be well.”

They settle into silence as they continue digging into their food. It’s a comfortable silence – the feeling of finding someone familiar after a whole year of being lost was solace to Taehyun.

But the silence doesn’t last too long.

Yeonjun speaks, “Aren’t you going to ask about him?”

“Him? You mean Soobin-hyung?”

“Yeah,”

“Well...” Taehyun treads carefully. It’s been more than a year, but of course, it’s better to be cautious than to regret anything again. “Do you have anything to tell?”

“For starters, he’s doing well. Excellent, actually. The usual Choi Soobin. Everyone in uni likes him...”

“And?” Taehyun asks expectantly.

“You remember Ji Changmin? The guy a year above us? They’re dating now.”

Well. What is Taehyun supposed to say? No one ever taught him how to react in a situation like this.

“That’s... well,” Taehyun trails off.

Ji Changmin was a year above Soobin and two above Taehyun. He was a kind guy, and he had taken a liking for Soobin who was with Taehyun back then. Taehyun didn’t exactly hate him, but he couldn’t like him either. He just had preconceived ideas about the older male back then.

It never really mattered much to him since Soobin was far too in love to look in anyone else’s direction, but Taehyun never liked how friendly Changmin would be to his then boyfriend. Hearing the news of them dating now, though – it was as if Taehyun was placed right at the foot of a steep hill, and all the way up was a bus quickly treading down the path.

Upon hearing Yeonjun’s words, his feelings hit him once again like that bus on full speed. All the feelings that he once thought were already gone came rushing back just like that.

Back then, Taehyun knew that Soobin couldn’t possibly like anyone else other than him. But now they’re not together anymore, and Soobin is suddenly dating the guy who he thought he’d never have to worry about.

Why is he worrying now?

What is there to worry about when he and Soobin haven’t even spoken in over a year? Does he have the right to worry when he had already let Soobin slip out of his hands?

Taehyun clears his throat, “That’s great.”

“It’s not, obviously,” Yeonjun shoots him a look, “Stop lying through your teeth.”

“What do you want me to say, hyung? I’m happy that Soobin is dating the guy who used to somehow wriggle his way into my thoughts when we were dating? Am I supposed to celebrate that?”

“Taehyun,” Yeonjun sighs, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

Taehyun doesn’t say anything.

“I’m just saying, it’s okay to be disappointed. Changmin-hyung is nice, but of course, it’s different. Different from –“

“Hyung, I really don’t want to hear about this. Can’t we just talk about something else?”

Yeonjun looks at him sheepishly and moves on to another topic. Taehyun is grateful. He forgets what they were talking about earlier.

Soon, Yeonjun has to leave. They wrap up after hours of catching up, and in that moment, Taehyun feels elated that he got to meet Yeonjun after a long while again.

But when he gets home that afternoon, he has to drag his feet to lead himself back home. Slowly, his own thoughts start to cloud his mind. He thinks of Soobin, and then he thinks of Ji Changmin. He thinks of them together. He recalls his past memories with Soobin and replaces himself with Ji Changmin, and it makes everything hurt.

By the time Taehyun gets home, his vision is too blurred with tears that it takes a while for him to open the door with his keys. But he doesn’t even make it because it’s _so_ hard to insert the keys and everything is just so painful –

Taehyun lets the keys drop to the concrete ground. He sinks down to his knees and presses his face hard against his arms. He lets his tears falls silently. He hopes that no one walks by the street while he’s crying on the dirty ground. It’s a pathetic sight to see, Taehyun thinks.

He uncurls himself and reaches for the keys and finally inserts the correct key. The door opens easily, and Taehyun has never been so glad to open a door. He toes off his shoes and quickly heads up his room before anyone in the house can see him.

He lets himself fall on his bed. He curls up so the pillows fit nicely against his body, enough to fill the emptiness he feels. He doesn’t bother to change his clothes to something more comfortable.

It’s been more than a year, yet Taehyun is still in the same place. He thought that he’s made at least some progress, but apparently not. He’s still the same mess he was a year ago. Nothing changed at all.

Soon enough, his emotions and tears drain out all his energy and he falls asleep in the dark of his room.

It’s a Saturday, and Taehyun is finally moving in his dorm. He chose to move the same day as Kai, so they’re currently carrying Kai’s things to his dorm first since it was at the lower floors. Thankfully, their dorms aren’t too far from each other. They can easily sleep at each other’s dorm if ever the either of them got assigned to a weird roommate.

When they get to Kai’s dorm, there’s already a boy occupying the room. His head is under the bed on the right side of the room, and he seems to be reaching for something. Taehyun and Kai stare at the boy, waiting for him to retrieve whatever rolled under the bed and introduce himself to them.

Finally, the male crawls out carefully with a bottle of lotion in his hand. His eyes meet the two sets of feet waiting by the door.

“Oh, I have two roommates?” He says, “But the form only says one...”

He gets up from the floor and finally meets the two males’ eyes.

“Beomgyu-hyung?” Taehyun’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Hyung?” Kai follows, “You’re my roommate?”

Beomgyu scratches the back of his head, “Well... didn’t you check the list? I couldn’t check it earlier.”

“I didn’t either,” Kai looks around the room, seemingly lost in confusion.

“Well, it’s good to see the both of you.” Beomgyu tosses the bottle of lotion into his suitcase, “Are you both my roommates?”

“No,” Taehyun answers, “I’m just helping Hyuka move in, but my dorm isn’t too far away.”

“That’s great! We can hang out together again!” Beomgyu cheers.

This makes Taehyun’s tense shoulders relax. He’s glad that Beomgyu is like this. He’s glad that he’s not too bothered with their past.

After Taehyun broke up with him, they were still good friends, sure, but some things weren’t the same. It wasn’t exactly awkward, but it wasn’t so comfortable either. For the rest of their senior year, Taehyun always felt like he was tiptoeing on thin ice around Beomgyu, but the other was never like that.

(Perhaps it was only Taehyun who felt the air of tension between them.)

Come to think of it, the caution Taehyun took was quite unnecessary considering how Beomgyu approached the situation. He didn’t take anything to heart – it’s just like Beomgyu to be that. Maybe Taehyun should take some notes from him.

Once he and Kai are done unpacking in the latter’s dorm, they head Taehyun’s dorm. Before they leave, Beomgyu promises to treat the two of them to dinner later that day.

Taehyun drags his suitcase behind him while Kai takes the other. It doesn’t take long for them to travel to Taehyun’s dorm since it’s just in the next building.

When they get there, Taehyun takes out the key that he retrieved from the office earlier. Just as he’s about to unlock it, the doorknob turns by itself. Out of surprise, Taehyun jumps a step back away from the door and bumps into Kai.

The door slowly opens to reveal a mop of electric blue hair. It doesn’t take Taehyun long to recognize the familiar face in front of him.

“Soobin-hyung?”

“Taehyun?” There’s panic clear in Soobin’s face, “This is your dorm?”

“Yeah... is this your dorm?”

Soobin nods.

Of course, he had to be roommates with his ex. Taehyun feels that he’s in a very cliche K-drama that airs every Saturday and Sunday at 8pm, and he’s not liking how things are turning out. He might as well switch off the television and stop watching the drama on its third episode, but he can’t. This is the reality that he’s facing right now, and he doesn’t know how to go on about it.

“You’re roommates,” Kai says with an unreadable expression on his face.

Taehyun squeezes himself in the space between Soobin and the doorway, taking his suitcase with him. Soobin steps aside to let him enter. Kai quickly follows suit.

“Uh, I’ll be back later. I need to be somewhere right now.” Soobin says in a rush, and he bolts out of their dorm.

Once Soobin is out of earshot, Taehyun lets out a heavy sigh of exasperation.

“Hyuka, what do I do?”

What’s with today and meeting all his exes?

For the first few weeks of being roommates, Taehyun and Soobin are extremely awkward around each other. They don’t speak unless it’s completely needed. Sometimes, Soobin would break the thick silence in their room to tell him that someone came by looking for him earlier, and the tension wrapped around his words is so clear.

Other than trivial conversations like that, they don’t speak.

They try to avoid being in the room together as much as possible. Taehyun maximizes the university library and does most of his studying there. Soobin always comes to the dorm late at night and leaves early in the morning. Their dorm room looks deserted, almost as if there’s no college students residing there.

When they do end up being the room together, Taehyun can’t focus. He tries to put his mind to the textbook in front of him, but his thoughts keep on fleeting to the male behind him. What’s Soobin-hyung doing right now? Is he focused on all his assignments? Or is he just like Taehyun, hyperaware of every single thing in the small room? Is he thinking of how much distance is between him and Taehyun that is only so short with the size of the room, but somehow feels so long for him?

On those days, Taehyun doesn’t last long in the dorm. He has to focus but he can’t do any of that in Soobin’s presence, so he leaves their room to study in the library. He stops trying to do his school work in their dorm.

Taehyun believes that he’s already moved on from Soobin, (it’s been a year – he has to) but that doesn’t mean that he can treat his ex like any normal person would. There are so many unspoken words between them and Taehyun already flushed all that down the drain, but it’s difficult to ignore the tension between them whenever they’re in the same place.

One night, Taehyun tells Soobin that he probably won’t be coming back until morning since Kai and Beomgyu invited him to hang at their dorm for the night. Soobin barely nods while he’s highlighting lines on his textbook.

When Taehyun is laughing with Kai and Beomgyu over a movie, he suddenly remembers that he forgot to bring a toothbrush. He asks them if they have any spare ones, but they only shake their heads. Of course, who would expect two college boys to have a spare toothbrush in their dorm?

Taehyun tells him that he’ll just get his toothbrush from his dorm since it’s not that far anyways. Kai and Beomgyu pester him to not just brush his teeth for the night, but Taehyun says _ew – unlike the both of you, I’m a hygienic person._

So, he walks the short distance to his dorm in his pajamas.

When he opens the door, he instantly sees Soobin on his bed. And a guy.

The guy is sitting on the bed with a book in his hands, and Soobin’s head is on his lap. Taehyun recognizes the guy to be Ji Changmin.

This is the first time he’s seeing the two of them together since he came to the university.

Taehyun speaks before he could think, “You didn’t tell me you’ll have someone over.”

Soobin looks up from his spot and looks shocked by Taehyun’s presence.

“You said you wouldn’t be sleeping here today.”

Right. Taehyun forgot about that.

“I forgot something. I’ll just be quick.” He speed-walks to their bathroom to retrieve his toothbrush. There’s something boiling in his gut that he can’t seem to describe.

The sight of Ji Changmin in their dorm, in Soobin’s bed lying with him, irks Taehyun _so_ much.

And why is that? There’s no reason to be annoyed, Taehyun thinks. Right?

He easily spots his toothbrush in the holder above their sink. He takes it and leaves the room quickly, without looking back at Soobin and Ji Changmin, without saying anything.

When he’s made it a few rooms away from his and Soobin’s, Taehyun stops to take a deep breath. There’s some sort of discomfort in his chest – it’s the same feeling he felt on the night that he and Soobin argued a year ago, but it’s also so different that he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Soobin is allowed to date. He’s not tied to Taehyun anymore, and Taehyun isn’t tied to him. But somehow, the sight of Changmin with him feels so strange to Taehyun. It feels like he just downed a shot of alcohol that he’s never tasted before. The burn in his throat doesn’t feel good, but it’s the only alcohol in the party, so he has to drink a few more shots to get used to the uncomfortable pricking down his throat.

It’ll take a while for him to get used to seeing Soobin with Changmin.

Yeonjun already told Taehyun about the couple, but it’s a different feeling when he sees it for his own eyes.

He recalls the scene in their dorm – Changmin leaning against the wall with a book in one hand, and one in Soobin’s hair who was lying in his lap. Soobin, who was almost falling asleep with the way his boyfriend was playing with his hair, but was jolted awake when he saw Taehyun by the door.

What a sight to see.

Now that he’s thinking about it, he didn’t greet Changmin. The male probably already has a bad impression of him now, after seeing him for the first time since the older graduated from their high school. But there’s also the possibility of him already hearing about Taehyun from Soobin. He wonders if Soobin told Changmin anything about him – about them and what they used to be. He wouldn’t, right? Exes aren’t a common topic for a couple.

Taehyun brushes off his thoughts and proceeds to make his way back to Kai and Beomgyu’s dorm.

The weeks pass by quickly. College makes everything feel like a fleeting moment with how occupied Taehyun is in every aspect of his life. He learns to adjust to the fast-paced environment of college that was so different from high school. At first, he struggles to yield good results in his academics, but he’s Kang Taehyun and he learns things easily. So, that’s one less problem for him in university.

He also sees Soobin and Changmin around campus a couple times. It takes a while for him to get used to the sight, but after a couple encounters, he learns to easily push his feelings back down his throat whenever he passes by them.

Since that one night in the first few weeks of college, Taehyun never saw Changmin in their dorm again. Maybe it’s because Soobin doesn’t take him there anymore, or maybe it’s because Soobin makes sure Taehyun wouldn’t be there when they are.

Over the months, Taehyun also makes new friends in his block. They’re good people, and they show him how to have fun despite the busy air in university.

On the last day of their midterm examinations, Taehyun’s friend, Shin Jiyoon, invites him to a party. It’s his first college party – he’s been to parties in high school, but he wonders how different it’ll be in college.

A college party is definitely a stark contrast from a high school party.

Everyone seems much looser, and the energy is a hundred times higher. And so, Taehyun lets himself get lost in the loud music that’s playing around the house (whoever’s house it is – Taehyun has absolutely no idea). He dances with Kai and Beomgyu who also came with him. They enjoy all the drinks that the host provided, because it’s free and no one’s watching how much they take.

At some point, the three of them lose sight of each other. Taehyun finds himself in a different circle – they’re playing a game, but everything is too hazy for him to understand the mechanics. He just plays along and laughs with faces that he doesn’t recognize.

When he checks the time on his phone, it’s already past 12am. He excuses himself from the circle to go and find Kai and Beomgyu. Everyone whines and tells him to stay a little longer, but he tells him that he has to take care of his friends who are probably now drunk out of their asses.

(Not like he isn’t, too.)

He gets up from the carpeted floor and stumbles his way outside of the room. He spends maybe thirty minutes or so looking for Kai and Beomgyu, but they’re nowhere in sight. He asks some people if they’ve perhaps seen a tall guy with curly dark hair and a guy who looks like a puppy, but his words are too slurred and everyone else is too drunk to properly recall any face they saw that night.

Taehyun decides to head home by himself. On his way outside, he catches Jiyoon who offers him a ride home, saying that he’s too drunk to find his way home. He’s grateful for her.

Jiyoon has two other friends in the car – Taehyun can’t recall their names, but they’re nice girls and they sing along to whatever song is playing on the radio. Taehyun sings along with them – he blasts out his lungs the most he can while drunk, and everyone in the car is cheering him on.

Before he knows it, they arrive at his dorm. Taehyun bids his goodbyes to them and thanks Jiyoon, then he makes his way to the floor of his dorm.

When he makes it to the hallway, there’s a figure standing in front of their door. It seems like he’s struggling to key the door open, and Taehyun almost thinks that someone is trying to break into their dorm, but then he recognizes the figure to be Soobin.

Taehyun approaches Soobin and softly takes the keys from his hands. Soobin looks up in surprise, but he lets Taehyun take it. He opens the door in one go, drops the keys on Soobin’s desk and sits on his own bed.

“Taehyun-ah,” Soobin approaches Taehyun.

The said male takes a glance at Soobin – he looks a mess just like Taehyun, and he smells of alcohol, too. He probably also came home from a party, Taehyun deduces.

“Hi, hyung.”

Taehyun takes off his shoes and throws them to one corner. He’s too dizzy to get up and put them in the right place. While he’s doing so, he feels a weight sink next to him. Soobin is sitting beside him.

“What’s up?” Taehyun asks mindlessly.

“I...”

“Did you go to a party, hyung?”

“Yeah,” Soobin laughs, “I think I’m a bit tipsy. I don’t know how much I drank.”

Taehyun hums. He scoots over to the other side of the bed and leans against the wall. There’s more space between him and Soobin now.

“Taehyun-ah, how’s college going?”

This is the first time that he and Soobin are talking about anything other than trivial things such as laundry and dropped off notes and unexpected visits from their friends. This is the first time that they sat down in the same room just to converse. This is the first time that they’re not making excuses to not be in the same place as each other.

“It’s fine, hyung. I think I’m well-adjusted now.”

Soobin nods, “That’s good. I never asked – how was your last year in high school?”

Taehyun looks away from Soobin.

“Why are you asking this? We haven’t been talking.”

“I don’t know,” Soobin moves a bit closer to Taehyun. It’s almost unnoticeable, but everything else in the room is so still that a single movement is easily seen. “I missed you.”

Taehyun looks up. Suddenly, Soobin’s expression looks completely different from how he looked just a moment ago. There’s longing in his eyes, maybe desperation, but Taehyun is too drunk out of his mind that he thinks that maybe he’s just making things up.

“You shouldn’t be missing me, hyung.” Taehyun turns so his body isn’t facing Soobin’s anymore. The directness between them is too suffocating.

“Is it bad to?”

Taehyun doesn’t answer him. He looks at his phone screen. It’s 2:34am. He stays silent until six minutes pass by. He and Soobin haven’t moved an inch.

“Taehyun-ah,” Soobin breaks the silence, “Can you look at me?”

Taehyun refuses to. He remains unmoving on the small spot of the bed, and his shoulders are so tensed that he’s starting to find it hard to breathe.

Soobin sighs and moves closer. There’s barely a foot between them now, and Taehyun feels like he downed a whole bottle of alcohol again, but it’s already been two hours since he had his last shot.

“Please,” There’s so much desperation in Soobin’s voice that Taehyun can’t help but look up. And when he does, he regrets it because there’s so much pain written on Soobin’s face.

Taehyun doesn’t know the cause of it, but he wants Soobin to ease that pain. He shouldn’t – but it’s getting hard to hold his hands back from reaching out to Soobin. As each second passes, it gets harder to stop his emotions from overtaking his rationality.

He shouldn’t have drunk so much tonight.

“Soobin-“ Before he can utter any more words, Soobin is suddenly moving closer and there’s hands cupping his face and then there’s lips being pressed against his own.

Soobin’s lips taste like alcohol – Taehyun is sure that his isn’t any different, but all of a sudden, he’s remembering that he shouldn’t be doing any of this with Soobin because he has a boyfriend –

Taehyun pulls away harshly from Soobin, but the latter holds him in place. Taehyun struggles to get out of his hold and tries to pry his arms way, but Soobin only hugs him to his chest and wraps his arms around Taehyun’s small frame. Taehyun gives in and lets his shoulders sag down. He doesn’t wrap his arms around Soobin’s waist – he shouldn’t.

When Soobin’s hold loosens, Taehyun pulls away and looks at him coldly.

“You have a boyfriend, hyung. You shouldn’t have kissed me.”

Soobin laughs bitterly, “Changmin-hyung broke up with me.”

Taehyun’s eyes widen, “He did?”

“Said I was still in love with someone that’s not him.” And suddenly, there’s tears coming down Soobin’s eyes and dripping down his chin. Taehyun doesn’t move from his position and just awkwardly holds Soobin. He doesn’t know if he should comfort him – if he’s even allowed to.

“Don’t you think it’s funny? It’s been so long, yet my feelings never changed. I thought I’ve forgotten about everything, but suddenly you’re in front of my dorm, telling me that you’re my roommate. And I couldn’t do anything about it, because the board was strict and wouldn’t let me switch rooms even if I begged and –“

Soobin lets his head rest against Taehyun’s shoulder.

“Taehyun-ah, why did you avoid me on the day of my graduation? Everything could’ve ended cleanly for us. I could’ve moved on from you easily without wondering what could have happened if you didn’t avoid me. What could’ve happened if you didn’t send me that text. What could’ve happened if your mom let me into your room that afternoon.”

Taehyun remembers that afternoon. He let Kai take him to his house because he didn’t want his mom to hear his crying. When the two of them got there, Kai asked Taehyun where he wanted to go from there, and if he wanted to talk to Soobin. Taehyun instantly said _no_ and sent that text to Soobin without any second thoughts.

(But regret came months later – it came when he heard the news of Soobin moving away for college. It came before he had to face Soobin on his graduation day. It came to him and Taehyun felt shameful, but he couldn’t do anything but stand by his words. And so, he avoided Soobin at all costs.

“And I wanted to give Changmin-hyung a chance. I thought I was doing well, but apparently not. It was foolish of me to think that I could love someone while you’re still imprinted on my mind. I honestly thought that I was clean of any thoughts of you, but no – Changmin-hyung was the one who had to make me aware that I’m not.”

That sounds all too familiar to Taehyun. He tries to dig through his hazy mind why Soobin’s words seem like he already heard them before, then he remembers. He recalls his relationship with Beomgyu. Soobin wasn’t any different from him.

The realization comes down on him like a sudden thunderstorm. It’s as if the skies were merciless and didn’t even bother to let Taehyun find a shed before rain came pouring down. Once again, Taehyun is drowning and he’s having a hard time looking for a place that could protect him from the rain. He’s out in the open field, and he’s scared that lightning could strike him in any moment.

How come that despite the distance between them and the complete lack of communication, they still weren’t able to forget each other?

Did they even try to forget?

Taehyun gets lost in his thoughts. So much can change in a year, but it’s a shame that Soobin and Taehyun’s feeling didn’t.

When Taehyun checks on Soobin, he notices that the older has already fallen asleep on his shoulder. His cheeks are still a bit wet, and Taehyun’s shoulder feels damp from Soobin’s tears.

Taehyun wraps his arms around Soobin to lay him down on his bed. When Taehyun deems that Soobin looks comfortable enough, he gets up from the bed but Soobin’s arms around his waist make him fall back into the bed. He lies right next to Soobin with their faces are barely an inch away from each other.

To Taehyun, Soobin looks so peaceful with his eyes closed. It’s almost like he wasn’t crying his eyes out just a few moments ago. He looks better like this.

Taehyun wishes that Soobin could always be peaceful like this.

Come morning, Taehyun wakes up alone in his bed. The warm presence that he fell asleep with isn’t there anymore. He lifts his head to check the bed on the other side of the room, but it’s empty. The bathroom lights are turned off too.

Soobin is nowhere to be found in their dorm.

The emptiness in their dorm feels like a punch to Taehyun’s gut.

He doesn’t have any classes for the day since their midterms just finished, so Taehyun waits all day in the dorm. He tries distracting himself by doing advanced readings, watching films and bothering the group chat with Kai and Beomgyu. He shifts from one activity to another in an attempt to drown out the thoughts echoing in his mind, but nothing helps.

His mind is constantly filled with _Soobin, Soobin, Soobin,_ and nothing else. He keeps on going back to Soobin’s words last night and wonders if he was telling the truth – if he event meant to tell Taehyun all of that, or if it was just liquid courage. He wonders where Soobin is right now, and if he’s regretting kissing Taehyun last night.

Night comes, and Taehyun gets desperate. He sends Soobin a text – he hopes that he didn’t change his number.

_+82 ** **** ****_

_11:12PM_

_hyung, can we talk?_

Taehyun waits. The clock strikes to two o’clock, yet there’s still no word from Soobin. He falls asleep on Soobin’s bed, tired from waiting all day.

Soobin continues to avoid Taehyun for the rest of the week. He doesn’t come back to their dorms. Taehyun wonders where he’s staying, so he asks Yeonjun through text. It takes a while for him to receive a text back. When he does, Yeonjun tells him that Soobin is safe, but he won’t tell Taehyun where he’s staying because Soobin doesn’t want to.

Taehyun assumes that he’s staying over at Yeonjun’s dorm. He so badly wants to drop by just to check, but he also wants to respect Soobin.

It hurts that Soobin is avoiding him after kissing him drunk and spilling his heart to him that night. Taehyun feels lost and hurt. It’s painful to come back to an empty dorm after a long day of classes. It’s not like it was any different from before – he used to come to the dorm without any sight of Soobin. But somehow, there was the reassurance that Soobin is _there_ and he still sleeps in his bed, even if Taehyun doesn’t see him often.

Now, there’s absolutely no reassurance that Soobin will come back to the dorm.

Although the dorm is void of any presence other than Taehyun, it makes him feel like he’s trapped in such a small space. All over the room are Soobin’s things. They didn’t stay there often since they were avoiding each other, but they were still able to make the dorm their own. In the bathroom, there’s Soobin’s toothbrush. Hanging on his bed is his patterned cardigan. On the shoe rack are some of Soobin’s shoes. There’s still a pile of notes left untouched on his desk. Anywhere in the room, there’s a mark of Soobin. It pains Taehyun so much every time he’s in the room that he wants to avoid being there as much as possible.

So, he takes some of his clothes to Kai and Beomgyu’s dorm unannounced, telling them that he’ll be sleeping there for a while. They don’t argue, (in fact, they’re glad to have Taehyun over) but they ask him why. When Taehyun explains what happened earlier that week, he breaks down.

The two roommates comfort Taehyun to the best of their abilities. Kai orders food, and Beomgyu puts on a Netflix series for them to binge watch, just like any other regular sleepover.

Taehyun’s grateful for the two of them, but he also feels guilty. Just how many times has Kai done this for him because he was crying over Soobin? Not to mention, he wants to know how Beomgyu feels about comforting his ex who’s crying over _his_ ex – the same ex that was the cause of their break up.

He brings this up to them. Kai and Beomgyu look at him with earnest eyes and tell him that it’s fine. Kai tells him that he will do it for him a hundred times because Taehyun has done it for him a thousand times. Beomgyu tells him that to him, they’re more of friends rather than exes, and it doesn’t matter because that’s all already in the past.

Taehyun is grateful that he has them for friends.

On a Wednesday, he returns to his dorm to get some more clothes. When he comes in, Soobin is there, fixing his desk.

“Hyung,” Taehyun breathes in deeply.

Soobin looks up, and when he sees Taehyun, he rushes to put his things back in his bag. Once he’s done, he zips it up and makes his way to the door, but Taehyun blocks him. Taehyun holds onto Soobin’s arm tightly, afraid that if he lets go, Soobin might just slip through his fingers right then and there.

“Hyung, please.”

“Taehyun,” Soobin looks at him in the eyes, “Not now. Please move.”

Taehyun lets his arm fall to the side. Soobin exits the room, and once again, Taehyun is left alone in their cold and empty dorm.

It’s funny how almost two years ago, Taehyun was the one in Soobin’s place. He was avoiding him while Soobin desperately tried to reach for him. This time, Taehyun is the one who is chasing down Soobin, and Soobin is the one trying to make miles and miles of distance between them. As each day passes, the distance only grows bigger, and Taehyun finds it harder to grasp for Soobin.

It’s hard – Taehyun so badly wants to set everything right, but it’s hopeless. He thinks that there’s still a chance for them, but Soobin doesn’t think the same. It feels as if he’s trying so hard to untangle a roll of thread that needs two pairs of hands, but Soobin isn’t so willing to help him.

Taehyun sighs heavily. He makes his way to his closet and takes a couple clothes that’ll probably last him another three days or so. Once he’s done, he goes to fix his desk and takes a couple printed-out notes that might be useful for him. He checks Soobin’s desk too – it’s a bit of a mess since he was rushing earlier. Sheets of used paper are fanned out across the surface of the desk. He tries to fix it into a neat pile, and while he’s doing so, one particular sheet catches his eye.

Written on the very top of the page: _February 5, 2019._

His birthday.

Taehyun unfolds the paper. Written write below the date is his name. He shouldn’t be sneaking into Soobin’s things, but this piques his interest. It’s written on his birthday, only a few months after they broke up.

Taehyun continues reading.

_February 5, 2019_

_Taehyun-ah,_

_It’s your birthday today. I always wrote you a letter on your birthdays, didn’t I? I probably shouldn’t anymore, but I still want to._

_If I’m going to be honest, there’s so many questions I want to ask you. Why did you cut me off like that? Couldn’t you give me a second chance? Everything was going so well, but one night swept that all away._

_Was it so easy for you to throw me away after a single night? Was it easy for you to forget years of memories of us? Because for me, it’s not. It’s been about three months, but I still think about you. I want to talk to you so bad, but you don’t want to, and I should respect that._

_Sometimes, I want to cross the line and just face you. But I don’t think you’d like that. Besides, I have no assurance of how it would turn out. Would you give me another chance? Or would you just push me away so easily like before? There are too many doubts in my head._

_It hurts that it’s so easy for you. You look so happy these days, and I’m not. I almost wanted to wish for you to feel the same way that I do, because I don’t want to be the only one suffering here. But how could I ever wish that on you?_

_I want to hate you, but I can’t. I love you too much for that._

_I’m graduating soon. I’ll move away and I’ll be out of your sight, and you’ll be out of mine. That should help me move on, right? I hope it will._

_Despite everything, I’m still thankful for you. You made the past years amazing for me. I couldn’t have asked for anything better. It’s just a shame that we didn’t last. I guess everything was just too good to be true._

_Taehyun, I love you. And I’ll probably still love you after years and years (even if it’s not in the same way as now) because you’re not so easy to forget. You changed so much for me, and I owe a lot to you. I hope you know that._

_I hope you find happiness. Even if it’s not with me – that’s fine, ~~I guess.~~ I just hope I won’t see it. I think that would hurt even more than a thousand cuts._

_I love you. Happy birthday. I wish you well._

_Soobin._

There’s another sheet of paper tucked behind that one. Taehyun doesn’t realize that he’s crying until his tears drop down the sheets of paper, smudging the old ink.

He checks the next sheet of paper. This time, it’s dated February 5, 2020 – written only a few months ago.

_February 5, 2020_

_Taehyun-ah,_

_I said I wouldn’t write you a letter this year, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s okay – you won’t get to read this anyways. I didn’t even get to send you my letter last year. That was for the better, I think._

_I heard that you’re dating someone – Beomgyu, is it? He was friends with Yeonjun, and I always thought he was nice. I hope you’re happy with him._

_Okay, I admit that I’m kind of hurt. Here I am, far away from you, yet you still consume my thoughts so much. It’s stupid. I don’t see you anymore, but why is it so hard to get rid of my thoughts about you? I don’t know what to do. At this point, I’m becoming desperate about it. I guess dating would help, wouldn’t it? I’ve been pushing everyone away because I know I don’t want another relationship yet, but I guess it’s time._

_I’ll be happy too, just like you. I’ll forget all this soon, just like you._

_Or maybe not. I don’t want to forget you, Taehyun._

_Happy birthday. I hope you’re well._

_I still love you._

_Soobin._

Before Taehyun knows it, he’s rushing out of their dorm and jogging down the flights of stairs while he holds the letters. When he makes it out of the building, he searches around for Soobin. He travels down the concrete sidewalk, hoping to catch Soobin, but he’s nowhere in sight.

He reaches for his phone in his pocket and dials Soobin’s number – it rings once, twice, and until the seventh ring, but there’s still no answer. Taehyun dials it once again, but the automated voice directs him to voicemail. Taehyun lets his hand drop to his side. He takes a look at the letters he’s holding – it feels like the sheets of paper are mocking him right this moment. The letters feel heavy in his hands, taunting him of his childish decisions back then.

The weeks fly by quickly, and it’s almost their finals. Slowly, Taehyun has started to settle back into his dorm. It still pains him to come back to such an empty and cold place, but he doesn’t want to keep on sleeping in Kai and Beomgyu’s shared dorm. The floor isn’t exactly a comfortable spot to sleep on, too.

Once in a while, Taehyun would come home to the dorm and sees Soobin’s desk to look differently from the last time he saw it. He assumes that Soobin visits their dorm whenever Taehyun has classes. He’s been lucky so far since Taehyun never catches him in the dorm.

But that doesn’t mean that Taehyun already gave up. Call him desperate, but Taehyun still texts Soobin every few days, asking him to speak to Taehyun. He gets no reply each time.

On a Friday afternoon, Taehyun’s heading to one of his classes. He’s circling the field as the path leads to the building where he has his next class. It’s a sunny afternoon – the clouds give just the right amount of shade and the wind is blowing just enough that it’s not too harsh.

As he’s walking, he spots a familiar figure across the field. It’s Soobin.

Suddenly, it’s as if his feet are moving on autopilot and he’s making his way to Soobin whose back is facing him. He’s sitting alone on a bench with what seems like a book on his lap. He seems so peaceful that Taehyun almost doesn’t want to disturb him, but he’s presented with a chance, and he wants to grab onto that before it slips away again. He’ll probably miss his next class, but at this point, he can’t find it in himself to care.

The distance feels like such a long walk, but Taehyun finally stands behind Soobin. The fallen leaves crunch under his sneakers, making Soobin look up.

Panic flashes in Soobin’s eyes but he doesn’t move to run away. He doesn’t look like he has any intentions of fleeing this time, and Taehyun is grateful.

“Soobin-hyung, can we talk?”

Soobin looks a bit uncertain, but he still nods and scoots over the bench to make some space for Taehyun.

Taehyun sits down. He makes sure to leave a good amount of space between them, just in case Soobin might be uncomfortable. Taehyun reaches for his bag to search around for something. Soobin waits for him patiently.

Once he’s found it, he pulls the letters from his bag – the letters that Soobin wrote for him on his birthday for the past two years.

There’s a mix of realization and embarrassment written across Soobin’s face.

“You read them.”

“I did,” Taehyun clears his throat, “Hyung... I don’t even know where to start.”

Soobin nods at him, coaxing him to go on.

“I... first, I’m sorry I read your letter. I saw the dates, and I couldn’t help but check.”

“It’s fine. They were meant for you anyways.”

Taehyun looks down at the letters, briefly catching some words that Soobin wrote down.

“You said in the first letter that you had many questions. I’ll try answering each of them.”

Taehyun brings the letter closer to his face and reads a line out loud, “ _Why did you cut me off like that?_ I was hurt badly. I wanted to change something so I could breathe a little better, and looking back now, sending that message wasn’t the best decision. I was childish and rash and prideful.”

Soobin listens.

_“Couldn’t you give me a second chance?_ I wanted to, but you knew me, hyung. I was full of pride and I didn’t want to take back my words. I couldn’t let myself give in when I already told you to not contact me. That was foolish of me. I regret sending that message, up to this day. _Was it so easy for you to throw me away after a single night? Was it easy for you to forget years of memories of us?”_

Taehyun’s voice cracks, “No, I beat myself up over it for so long. I don’t know how many more times I’ll say this, but I’ll say it again and again because I mean it. I regret sending that message, hyung. I hate myself so much for it.”

“ _Would you give me another chance?_ I would. Hyung, I wish you just crossed the line back then and approached me. I couldn’t bring myself to face you, and you didn’t show up either, so I was already giving up. But I can’t blame you – you were hurt badly too. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so harsh with my words, I’m sorry for thinking that it would be okay to throw away everything we had like that. My apology came so late, but I hope you know I’m being sincere. It’s been eating my conscience up for so long. I regret it so much, hyung. I regret losing you and not doing anything about it.”

At this point, tears are already falling down Taehyun’s cheeks. Soobin’s face looks unreadable, and Taehyun is scared of what he has to say, but he continues speaking.

“In the second letter, you said I was happy. I wasn’t. I dated Beomgyu to try and forget about you, but it didn’t work. I felt bad for Beomgyu, but mostly, I felt bad for myself. I was only fooling myself in those months, thinking I could easily forget about you. You said that it’s stupid that you were thinking of me even if you were far away, but it’s not. Because I was the same, too. I didn’t even see you anymore, but my thoughts kept on going back to you. So, I tried to distract myself.”

Taehyun’s almost running out of words to say because his mind is getting too hazy.

“I wish I could go back in time and undo everything. I wish I could go back and greet you on your birthday. I wish I could’ve just stopped to talk to you on the day of your graduation. I wish I just admitted that I didn’t mean those words, and just tell you that I still wanted you in my life. I still do.”

That’s where Taehyun’s words end. He still has so much to say, but he doesn’t know how to properly word it. His throat feels constricted and it’s becoming harder for him to form coherent sentences. He’s so, so desperate for Soobin to forgive him, and he wishes that Soobin hears it in his voice.

“I’m sorry, Soobin-hyung. For everything.”

Soobin doesn’t speak for a while, and Taehyun doesn’t ask him to. The older male stares at the far distance. The wind sweeps over them and spots of sunlight shine through the leaves of the tree that they’re sitting under.

It takes a while for Soobin to speak, but Taehyun is still glad that he does.

“I’m sorry too,” Soobin starts, “that I avoided you for so long. I was scared of what you had to say after I kissed you that night. I was scared that you hated me. So, I saved myself before you could hurt me again.”

There’s something bitter in Soobin’s voice, but it’s also so raw and so honest – like he’s letting go of all his pent-up emotions since they broke up.

“You know what? I forgive you. We were both young and immature. I get it now. We should put this behind us, start anew, and be good friends. I hope you can forgive me too.”

And Taehyun can’t say anything else. He’s too grateful for a second chance (even if it isn’t the kind that he wants) that he forgets the rest of his thoughts that he has yet to put into words. At that moment, he forgets the things that Soobin said on the night that he kissed him. He’s too happy to ask for anything else.

“Okay.”

Taehyun doesn’t want to be selfish.

“Let’s do that, hyung.”

Soobin settles back into their dorm. Taehyun feels so much lighter now that the room isn’t so empty. There’s the feeling of being a home again, and it’s much easier to fall asleep knowing that Soobin is sleeping on the bed opposite of his.

They don’t avoid being in the dorm at the same time anymore, of course. Taehyun doesn’t have to go to the library anymore to study. Sometimes, he still does, especially when he needs a lot of resources. But most of the time, he finds comfort in studying while Soobin’s in their dorm.

Sometimes, Soobin helps him study. On some nights, they stay up until 3am sitting on Taehyun’s bed. Soobin would hold flashcards in his hands and reviews Taehyun with them. Soobin would laugh over Taehyun’s careless mistakes, and Taehyun would jokingly lock him in a chokehold.

It’s a breath of fresh air.

In turn, Taehyun helps Soobin with his projects, specifically the ones for his clubs since Soobin always liked to focus on more extracurricular activities. They stay up putting together project boards and making proposals. It’s a lot, but Taehyun helps because he wants to. (Because that’s what they used to do back in high school.)

Taehyun gets introduced to Soobin’s circle of friends, and so does Soobin with Taehyun’s friends. Taehyun gets to hang around Yeonjun more often again, and Soobin starts to fit into his hang-outs with Kai and Beomgyu. Sometimes, the five of them would gather at Taehyun and Soobin’s dorm to watch films.

They start sharing everything, too. With them being together at the dorm more often than ever, their belongings get mixed up. Sometimes, Taehyun would wake up thirty minutes late. So, he’d rush to class, grabbing anything to put on. He only realizes that he’s wearing Soobin’s sweater when his friend points out that it looks ridiculously big on him. Taehyun would look down sheepishly and say that he accidentally took his roommate’s clothes.

When Taehyun’s run out of paper to write his notes on, he asks Soobin for some. When Soobin forgets to buy a new bottle of shampoo, he uses Taehyun’s. At some point, they agree to use to same shampoo since it’ll cost less for them. They start using a single tube of toothpaste too.

More than that, they start to share their time with each other. On the days when their classes start late, Soobin invites Taehyun to eat breakfast with him at the fast food restaurant just a street away. They start to do this more often – delivery fees are expensive, and they’re two college students with barely any proper source of income. Soon, they share their class schedules with each other to know which days of the week they can eat out together.

It’s easy at first – everything is. For the first month, it’s easy for Taehyun to ignore the feelings crawling up from his stomach and wrapping around his chest. It’s easy for him to know where his boundaries lie, and what he should and shouldn’t do around Soobin.

But when two exes with lingering feelings become friends, lines start to get blurred.

On a weekend, Taehyun is in the university library to work on a project with his partner. Her name is Yeojin, and she’s a nice girl – Taehyun likes working with her. They’re wrapping up for the day when Yeojin asks him a question.

“Are you seeing someone?”

It catches him by surprise. He never felt that Yeojin was showing any interest in him – it was a strange question.

Upon seeing his reaction, Yeojin laughs at him, “Don’t worry, I’m not interested in you. I’m just curious.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Ah, I see...”

“Why did you ask?”

“It’s just that,” Yeojin leans against the backrest of her seat, “I always thought that you were dating your roommate. You seem pretty comfy with him.”

“Soobin-hyung?” It makes Taehyun laugh, “Of course, I’m comfortable with him. He’s my roommate.”

Yeojin shakes her head, “Nevermind, then.”

So, Taehyun brushes it away and continues working on the last few parts of the project with her.

When he gets to their dorm that day, Soobin greets him from his bed with a whiny voice.

“Taehyun-ah, come cuddle me. Today was so exhausting.”

Like it’s instinct, Taehyun drops his bag on the chair of his desk and lies and the bed with Soobin. The older male hugs him tightly with weary limbs, and that’s when Taehyun realizes that _fuck,_ Yeojin has a completely valid reason to believe that they’re dating.

Soobin presses his face against Taehyun’s neck, and Taehyun is suddenly hyperaware of everything. He feels the warmth on every spot of his body where Soobin’s skin meets his. He feels Soobin’s soft breaths against his neck. It feels so intimate in the small space of Soobin’s bed that Taehyun feels like he’s about to go insane.

Friends don’t hug like this, do they?

They should’ve set their boundaries the day they talked it out. Now, without any lines that draw where their actions should halt, Taehyun doesn’t know where they’re heading. It’s like they’re driving down a foggy road, and Taehyun has to go slow because he’s scared of what he might face once the fog clears off.

He tries to shake off his thoughts, but they refuse to leave his mind.

Taehyun thinks that he’s definitely fucked up his second chance with Soobin.

Soobin seems to be oblivious, however. He hugs Taehyun like nothing, and he holds his hand like he’s done it a thousand times before. (He has, in fact, done it more than a thousand times already back in high school.) Whenever Soobin does anything remotely romantic, Taehyun can’t help but think _how much of a couple they look like_ to strangers.

Did Soobin forget that they agreed to be friends, not boyfriends?

Taehyun gets his answer one day when Soobin’s friend, Hyunjin, comes over to their dorm.

Hyunjin is nice – all of Soobin’s friends are. He’s pretty cool, Taehyun has watched some of the dance competitions held at their uni, and Hyunjin always ended up receiving an award at the end.

Soobin introduces him to Hyunjin.

“Hyunjin, this is Taehyun, my roommate.”

“Roommate?” Hyunjin’s tone sounds doubtful.

“And friend,” Soobin adds obliviously, “You’ve heard of him a couple times.”

Hyunjin gives Soobin a look, and then his eyes shift to Taehyun. At that moment, Taehyun feels like his heart has been exposed bare because the look on Hyunjin’s face tells him that he knows something.

“Yeah, a couple too many times.” Hyunjin mutters under his breath.

Soobin doesn’t catch it, but Taehyun does. He wants to tear his hair out.

Just how many people think that they’re dating?

Taehyun sighs and proceeds to work on his assignment, ignoring the funny look that Hyunjin is giving him.

When Taehyun hangs out with just Kai and Beomgyu in their dorm, they confront him together.

Beomgyu pauses the movie that they’re watching, “Taehyun-ah,”

“Mm?” Taehyun hums through a mouthful of popcorn.

“Are you and Soobin-hyung dating again?” Kai moves his face close to Taehyun’s and glares at him conspicuously.

Taehyun chokes on the popcorn in his mouth. He searches for water, and Beomgyu hands him a bottle. He downs a good amount of the bottle before looking at Kai with horror.

“We’re not.”

“Really? ‘Cause it seems to me like you are.”

Taehyun looks at Beomgyu’s direction and gives him the same look that he gave Kai.

“We’re really not.”

“Are you sure?” Kai asks this time.

Taehyun sighs heavily. “Listen. I think Soobin-hyung is a little... confused.”

Beomgyu and Kai look at him with anticipation.

“We didn’t set boundaries the day that we talked it out, so I think that he’s assuming he can act around me the same way he did when we were still dating, even though we only agreed to be friends.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Well,” Taehyun’s shoulders sag down, “No one’s getting hurt and everyone is happy. I’m just glad that we get to be friends again.”

Beomgyu and Kai’s eyes meet, but Taehyun fails to notice this.

“Alright. As long as no one’s getting hurt, right?” Kai says. He and Beomgyu go back to their previous positions, giving Taehyun more room to breathe. He presses the space bar on the laptop and the movie continues to play.

“Yeah.”

The thing is, it gets harder for Taehyun to hold himself back as time passes. Soobin’s always so physically close to him. Taehyun doesn’t initiate the touches – he stops himself from doing so – but Soobin always does.

For some reason, Soobin is always touching Taehyun at the most random times.

Whenever they’re out for lunch, Soobin would take Taehyun’s cold hands and play with his fingers.

When they’re walking down the campus, Soobin has his arm linked to Taehyun’s, and all their friends that they pass by look at them with confusion, but also with fondness in their eyes.

(Taehyun clearly knows now why everyone thinks that he’s dating Soobin.)

On some days, Soobin doesn’t sleep well on his own bed, so he climbs into Taehyun’s and fits his body against him. They cuddle, and Soobin presses his forehead against Taehyun’s, and he’s _so, so_ closes that Taehyun almost vibrates in uneasiness.

Sometimes, Soobin stares at him with a certain look in his eyes. It almost makes Taehyun want to cup his cheeks and kiss him right then and there, but he wills himself to shake off the feeling. He wills himself to keep his hands by his sides, and stop from suddenly reaching for Soobin.

It takes a lot of effort to do so, but Taehyun wants to play safe. Holding himself back is so much easier than going through the aftermaths of another mistake.

Winter break comes, and Taehyun goes back home with Soobin. They ride the bus together. The two of them fall asleep against each other for most of the ride home.

When they finally arrive at their hometown, they part ways to head to their own homes. They promise to see each other again in three days’ time at Kai’s house where the five of them planned a mini Christmas party.

In those three days, Taehyun and Soobin continue to speak through text. They send each other the most random things. On the first day, Soobin sends him a picture of his dog with the caption, _look at how sean has grown <3._

Taehyun tells him that he should visit Soobin’s house just for Sean, and Soobin sends him five lives of the sad face emoji. He sends Soobin pictures of his own pets too, just because. Soobin says that Hobak probably misses seeing his handsome face. This prompts Taehyun to send a single rolling eyes emoji.

Their conversation is endless, and the only moment that their messages stop going back and forth is when they finally meet each other again three days later.

They’re helping Kai put up Christmas decorations while waiting for Beomgyu and Yeonjun to arrive. While they’re decorating, Kai’s parents come down and bid their son goodbye, telling them that they’ll be attending a party too, so they might come home late. Exactly why Kai invited the four of them to his house.

Kai’s mom tells them that there’s wine, and that they should drink it to their hearts’ content.

Of course, they do exactly that. A few hours later, when Beomgyu and Yeonjun has already arrived, they’re sitting in a circle on the floor of the living room. They’re holding fancy wine glasses with gold lining in their hands, giggling over the stories they tell.

At some point, they’re starting to get too tipsy and they’re giggling too hard that Taehyun spills some wine on Soobin’s cream colored sweater.

“Noooo,” Taehyun attempts to wipe the stain away with the sleeve of his own burgundy colored sweater, “I’m sorry hyung,”

Soobin laughs as he gets up from the floor, “It’s okay. I’ll wash it in the bathroom.”

“I’ll come with you!” Taehyun jumps up from his spot and follows the older male.

When they get to the bathroom, Taehyun realizes that he brought the wine glass with him – Soobin did too. Taehyun finds this funny, and so he giggles over his own thoughts.

“What’s so funny?” Soobin grins softly, setting his wine glass on the counter.

“Who drinks wine in a bathroom?” Taehyun doubles over in laughter that his wine spills onto the floor.

He looks at Soobin with innocent, wide eyes, “Oops.”

Soobin looks at the spot of red on the floor, then at Taehyun. He starts to laugh, and Taehyun does too. They laugh until they’re leaning over each other, out of breath.

When they’ve recovered, they stand straight and find their bodies aligned closely against each other.

“You should probably clean that, Taehyun-ah,”

“I probably should.” Taehyun says with a small voice.

Suddenly, Taehyun’s being pulled closer to Soobin. Their lips meet halfway and they’re kissing once again. It takes like wine, and Taehyun gets so lost in the taste that the wine glass slips from his fingers, crashing down the tiles and breaking into pieces. The sound pierces their ears, but that doesn’t stop them from kissing. Taehyun wraps his arms around Soobin’s shoulders – he has to tiptoe a bit so they’re more comfortable. Soobin crouches down just a bit to make it easier, and Taehyun smiles through the kiss.

They stumble a bit, and Taehyun has to steady himself on the counter with one hand so they don’t fall. Soobin lifts him by his thighs, gesturing him to sit on the counter, and Taehyun hops up to follow. With them in a better position, Soobin kisses him deeper, and Taehyun locks his arms around Soobin’s neck once again.

They’re so lost in the taste of each other’s lips that they almost don’t hear the knocking against the door.

“Soobin-hyung? Taehyun? We heard something shatter – are you guys okay?” Kai’s voice faintly rings behind the door.

Taehyun and Soobin pull away with heaving chests. They catch their breaths while staring into each other’s eyes, unaware of what they just did.

“Yeah,” Taehyun breathes heavily, “We’re fine. I just dropped the glass – we’ll clean it up and go out.”

Kai makes a noise of acknowledgement. They wait for his footsteps to fade before Soobin dives in for Taehyun’s lips once again.

It takes them an hour to ‘clean up’ the glass. They return to the living room with flushed faces and wine-red lips, but the three of their friends don’t say anything about it.

The next day, Taehyun wakes up in Kai’s room. His body is sprawled across the carpeted floor, and Soobin’s head is resting on his right arm (which feels so numb). He looks up to look for the others, and he finds that the three of them are cuddling on comfortably on Kai’s seemingly soft bed.

The bastards. They left Taehyun and Soobin to sleep on the floor with not even a single blanket or pillow.

Taehyun lies his head on the floor again (at least there’s a carpet that minimally softens the surface). Right in front of him is Soobin’s peaceful sleeping face. Soobin’s lashes flutter against his cheeks, and then he’s opening his eyes to meet Taehyun’s.

“Good morning,”

“Good morning, hyung.”

All of a sudden, Taehyun’s mind backtracks to the night before. He vaguely remembers how he dropped the wine glass, and how he and Soobin somehow ended up kissing in the bathroom. His eyes widen at the realization, and then he’s pushing Soobin far away from him.

Taehyun quickly gets up from the floor and leaves the room in a flash. Then, he’s making his way down the stairs and then swiftly shoving his feet into his shoes. He steps out of the house and cold air hits his face as soon as he does. He lets the crisp air fill his lungs as he takes a walk down the street, just to clear his mind.

A voice calls from behind him, “Taehyun-ah!”

Taehyun looks back, and there’s Soobin rushing to him with only socks on. He looks a bit foolish, but Taehyun doesn’t know how he himself looks right now, so he can’t judge.

He lets Soobin come to him. There’s no use running away, anyways.

When Soobin is finally a short distance from him, the older male catches his breath first before speaking.

And when he does, Taehyun wishes that he just didn’t.

“I’m sorry for kissing you.” Soobin admits breathlessly.

“Are you really sorry?”

Soobin doesn’t answer him. Instead, he tries to reach for Taehyun’s hand, but Taehyun takes a step back.

“Taehyun-ah –“

“Soobin-hyung,” Taehyun’s eyes look cold when he speaks, “I’m going to be honest. You’re too intimate with me. You touch me so much like what we have isn’t any different from before. Mind you, we’re not dating anymore. That day when we talked at the field, we agreed to be friends. But we didn’t get to set our boundaries, so I’m doing it now. We’re friends, not a couple. We’re not supposed to be doing the things that we’ve been doing so far. Everyone thinks that we’re a couple. Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that? So, please.”

Soobin looks like a kicked puppy, and it makes Taehyun almost regret his words. Almost.

“Okay. I’ll stop.”

When Soobin lets go of those words, Taehyun feels his heart sink down. Like all hope was lost again. But he’s used to this – he’s been through this so many times that it almost feels like natural instinct. He stomps down on his feelings and ignores the uncomfortable heat in the pit of his stomach.

They return to Kai’s house awkwardly. Soobin leads the way, and there’s a good distance between them that looking at Soobin’s back feels painful for Taehyun.

When they get to the kitchen, the three are already making breakfast. If they notice the air of tension between Soobin and Taehyun, they don’t comment on it.

Winter break ends, and all five of them return to their dorms. They’re met with the last semester and assignments pile up on their desks, so they don’t hang out as much for a while.

Everything almost feels back to normal for Taehyun, except for one thing.

Soobin has started to act distant again.

He doesn’t avoid their dorm like before. The time he spent in the dorm last semester isn’t any different from now, but he acts so different around Taehyun. He doesn’t help Taehyun study for his quizzes anymore. Taehyun doesn’t help him sort out his project boards anymore. Soobin doesn’t ask for a hug after a long day of classes. When Taehyun is rushing to get ready in the morning, he makes sure not to accidentally take one of Soobin’s sweaters.

They still speak, of course, but every conversation is so stiff that Taehyun would rather stay silent whenever Soobin is around.

The awkwardness torments Taehyun so bad. Maybe he shouldn’t have set boundaries. Maybe he should’ve just let Soobin touch him, because no one was getting hurt anyways, right?

But what mess could he have dragged himself into if he just let Soobin get away with all of that?

Still, Taehyun feels his heart get heavier day by day. It’s like Soobin is slipping away again, and he doesn’t know how to fix it this time. Each day that passes, the more that Soobin feels farther away from him. Taehyun so desperately wants to patch everything back together, but he’s lost again in the rain and he has nowhere to go and shield himself.

He wants to know where he and Soobin went wrong, because they just can’t seem to find a good ending for them. He tries to search for answers, but it only keeps him up at night. His thoughts lead him back to the night that he sent that one text to Soobin – the one text that had so easily broken them apart.

Maybe he’s the one to blame, after all. Taehyun was the foolish one here who quickly gave up on everything he had with Soobin. That one single text is what led to the mess that they are right now. It’s that one text that darkened Taehyun’s world, making him stumble through the dark until today.

Sometimes, when his thoughts are keeping him up, he sneaks a glance at the opposite side of the room where Soobin is sleeping. He’s curled up into himself and he looks so small that the bed almost looks empty. Taehyun wants to crawl into Soobin’s bed and fit himself into it, but he was the one who set the rules for them and it would be hypocritical of him to break that.

Once again, he’s letting his pride win against himself.

A week passes and nothing changes between Taehyun and Soobin – only that they start to speak less and less.

One night, Soobin comes home at around 3am when Taehyun is still up studying for a quiz.

Taehyun hears the keys jingle before Soobin enters the room. He pauses from highlighting his readings and looks up expectantly at the door. When it opens, it reveals Soobin with slouched shoulders and unease on his face.

When Soobin’s eyes meet Taehyun’s, it’s almost like he melts down. His face softens, but there’s still the look of turmoil on it.

“Taehyun-ah,” Soobin’s voice sound so small and he looks like he’s about to fall to his knees, so Taehyun gets up from his desk. And just like that, he breaks his own rules as he holds Soobin in his arms.

“What’s wrong?”

Soobin looks at Taehyun with eyes so big and so full of pain that it makes Taehyun’s chest physically ache. He leads Soobin to his bed and Taehyun cradles him as they sit down.

“I met Changmin-hyung,” Soobin hiccups, “And he asked me if – if it was worth letting me go.”

Taehyun rubs Soobin’s back and smooths out his hair with his fingers. He waits for him to continue.

“I asked him what he meant – he said that I better be dating you right now, otherwise he shouldn’t have broken up with me.”

Taehyun’s hands stop midway through Soobin’s locks.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about this with you.” Soobin moves to get up, but Taehyun pulls him back down.

“No – it’s okay. Please tell me, hyung.”

Soobin takes a deep breath before continuing. He inhales, and then exhales.

“I thought about his words, and I realized that he’s right. I should be back with you, but I wasted the chance that I had. I settled for what I thought would be enough, but it’s not. Being friends with you isn’t enough. I guess that’s why I got carried away and crossed the line. I didn’t even realize that we weren’t acting any different from how we were when we dated. I was too happy to give my actions any second thoughts.”

With that, Taehyun feels like he’s being swept by the storm again. His thoughts go a hundred kilometers per seconds. They’re racing against each other, and he feels overwhelmed by the feelings burning in his chest all at once.

“Taehyun-ah, remember what I wrote in my letter? I asked if you’d give me another chance. I know this is shameless of me, but I want to ask it again. Never mind what I said that day on the campus field. I want to hold you again like before, without any limitations. I don’t want you like a friend only. I want to love you again like before, if you’ll let me.”

Taehyun holds his breath. He’s afraid of what Soobin has to say next, but at the same time, he’s so desperate to hear it.

“Will you give me another chance, Taehyun?”

Before Taehyun can even answer Soobin, his body is already moving to its own accord – suddenly, he’s cupping Soobin’s face and his lips are being pressed against Soobin’s.

And Soobin kisses him back. He doesn’t even need to hear Taehyun’s words for confirmation. The kiss is enough to tell him that, yes, Taehyun is giving him another chance.

There’s been too many lost chances in their relationship, but this time, they’ll make it right.

Taehyun pulls away just enough that the space allows him and Soobin to catch their breaths.

“Yes,” Taehyun mutters through his breath, “I’d be more than glad to have you again.”

Soobin smiles, and then he’s pulling Taehyun closer. They wrap their arms each other, letting the warmth envelope them. They sit like that for a while and bask in the joy that they’re _finally_ right where the both of them has always wanted to be.

They spend the rest of the night talking, laughing, crying and of course, kissing. They laugh over their childish mistakes and cry over the time they’ve lost with each other simply by their own stupidity. But it’s okay, Soobin reassures Taehyun, they’re here now and they’ve got the rest of their years to make up for whatever time was lost.

Slowly, Taehyun and Soobin return to what they had before. Before all the mess that happened almost two years ago. They return to the same routine, and they pick up where they’ve left of.

Only this time, they promise to be more honest with each other. They promise that they won’t try make everything so perfect (which had been the cause of the downfall of their relationship back then). They reassure each other that it’s okay to make mistakes, because they’ll fix it together, even if it takes a hundred tries.

Their relationship feels familiar, but it’s also so new. It’s rawer and more genuine this time – no more hiding faults and mistakes in an attempt to make everything flow easily.

Over the past years, both Taehyun and Soobin have grown a lot. This time, they’re ready to face things together even if it won’t be a smooth ride. Unlike before when they had an unrealistic idea of love, they’re willing to go through some rough patches. As long as they have each other in the end.

Just like that, the fog in Taehyun’s mind clears out, and his vision isn’t so hazy anymore. It’s like the rain is still pouring down, but that doesn’t matter because Soobin is right in front of him. He doesn’t need to run and look for a roof to shield himself from the pouring rain, because Soobin is with him. Perhaps the rain isn’t so bad after all when he’s not lost by himself.

(They don’t immediately tell Beomgyu, Kai and Yeonjun that they’re dating again. It’s a bit embarrassing for them to admit how stupid they were to people other than themselves, and they didn’t want to face the ruthless teasing from their three friends.

They don’t hide it in front of them, either. They act like how they usually would around each other, not bothering to acknowledge the looks that their friends are giving them.

When they do tell their friends while they’re at a café, it comes as a surprise more to Taehyun and Soobin rather than the three.

“We know.” The three of them echo in chorus.

There’s bewilderment that flashes in Taehyun’s face, “What?”

“You knew?” Soobin says at the same time.

Beomgyu munches on a chip, “It was obvious.”

“It was?”

“Absolutely.” Yeonjun nods. His face looks like he’s bored out of his mind.

“And you never bothered to ask us?”

Kai shakes his head, “There was no need to.”

“The three of you are unbelievable.”

Yeonjun takes a loud slurp from his drink, “ _You_ two are more unbelievable. I can’t believe it took you almost two years to get over your asses and finally get back together.”

“Yeah,” Beomgyu points at the couple with the triangular chip in his hand, “Do you know how painful it was for us to watch the two of you tread around each other so cautiously?”

Kai groans exaggeratedly, “God, I don’t even want to go back there. It was a dark time for all five of us.”

“Sorry,” Taehyun smiles at them sheepishly.

“At least everything’s fine now.” Soobin adds.

The three roll their eyes at the couple.

“After _two_ painfully long years.”)

**Author's Note:**

> u got to the end! thank u so much for reading <3
> 
> it was a ride writing this so i hope it was enjoyable!! (although it’s mostly angst…)
> 
> the story is divided in 3 parts and all inspired by taylor swift songs:  
> 1\. the break up until tyun graduates - clean  
> 2\. the whole roommates fiasco - back to december  
> 3\. when they’re finally friends again - dress
> 
> (dear ao3 beomgyu i’m sorry for putting u thru pain here… in an alternate universe ur having the best time of ur life)
> 
> moral of the story is to get closure with ur ex so things don’t drag on! but everything worked out for taehyun and soobin thankfully...
> 
> kudos and comments are very much appreciated! i’d love to hear ur thoughts abt everything :D
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/eternaIly)  
> find me on twt @minizode
> 
> (12/13 edit: taylor swift released evermore the other day and it's funny bc 'closure' fits this perfectly especially in the part where it goes "yes i got your letter yes i'm doing better" so i added it to the playlist hehe)


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